Reactions to “Devouring Myself”

Last Wednesday I sent the final draft of Devouring Myself to my closest friends. I read and re-read the words I was about to share. I was past feeling nervous. I had reached a weird place of calm that was still somehow unsettling. I felt like almost as if sharing this part of my history was self-serving— seriously concerned it looked like a cry for attention, or like I was using my past to get sympathy. The week leading up to this blog post was the first time I’ve talked openly with friends and family about my eating disorder. Several members of my family found out the first time through reading my post. Before I opened up, iht was a diseased yet comfortable secret. No one in my family really talked openly with me about eating disorders; I didn’t let them. On a few occasions my mom and sister brought up the weight I had lost only to be met with defensive eye rolls. “I’m an endurance athlete. I can’t eat to keep up with my metabolism if I try.” Even my best friend (more like soul mate to be honest) was kept alien to my internal struggles about body weight. As I finally allowed myself to tell her the full truth, I expressed my lingering concerns about sharing for self-interest. My anxiety was completely relieved as she responded to the draft. She reinforced for me how important it was to share this journey with other athletes. If no one identifies disordered eating as a problem, it becomes much harder to see how pervasive this thinking is in many of us. Admitting the problem is the first step. Sharing helped me, sure, but most importantly it has potential to help others before they risk serious injury or death. Finally being honest with friends and family and giving them permission to share their concerns has completely reshaped the way I think about this disorder. It’s no longer a battle I’m fighting alone. So here’s a quick update on where I’m at one week after taking a major step forward in my recovery. 

I’ve been completely floored with all the messages of support and commonality I’ve received. Women who I’ve never met before have shared their very personal and very private struggles with me after reading my story. Perhaps the most moving was hearing from individuals I know intimately that they or someone they’re close to benefited from the read. I’ve had a lot of raw and emotional conversations over the past week, and all of them have been therapeutic. It was scary to share this part of me with the world, but after seeing the potential to help other victims of this disease I would do it over again every day. If you haven’t read it yet, please do. Please share it broadly so that more women sharing these battles can. As far as my personal struggle goes, I still have negative thoughts about myself. As I said in my original post, I don’t know if this thinking will go away. What’s changed is the secondary thought after the initial bad one. Here’s a typical sequence: Primary thought: “My stomach looks awful. There’s fat here and here, it actually jiggles when I move. I’ve lost all definition on my lower abs. I’ve been too lax, given myself too many cheats on a healthy diet. I have to be more disciplined.” Secondary: “This thinking is a distortion on reality. Remember all the people that have reached out to support your recovery— you are doing what you need to do. Don’t look at yourself with a negative lens, look at all the parts of your body that make you feel beautiful or strong. That’s what the world sees. You need to eat, and eat A LOT to be successful in your sport.” I go through this a few times a day. I’m getting better at correcting myself immediately instead of falling into the sinking pit of anxiety where I let my body weight control my happiness. I still weigh 145 pounds. I’m still happy about that. Perhaps the biggest positive of sharing my story is that I’m associating eating real meals with winning this battle. I no longer feel shame about eating. Instead, I think of how each meal I put in my body is building strength both mental and physical. My decision to eat is my decision to value my health over shallow physical appearance. I’m trying to be a lot more conscious about the rhetoric I use regarding my body. I’m avoiding phrases like “lean gains”, “I’m going to earn this cupcake”, or “I need to work off last nights pizza splurge”. All of these seemingly innocent phrases plant seeds in others that can grow into dangerous disorders. It’s a confirmation to some that this type of behavior is acceptable in the mainstream. Even just criticizing our bodies in bathroom mirrors promotes negative self thought. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying to change my behavior so that hopefully if I stop vocalizing it I’ll learn to stop thinking it. Change starts with me, and I hope it catches on. Looking forward, this blog is mainly about cycling and my journey to the pro peloton. I’ll be sharing a lot more cycling specific blogs over the next month as my season starts with Valley of the Sun stage race tomorrow. I also will continue to write about my experience as a female endurance athlete, identifying struggles and successes as they relate to my history with eating and just to being female in general. Thank you all for your support, encouragement, open hearts and open minds.